Adam J. Choit

How many different types of dogs and dog breeds are out there?  Seemingly countless ones.  I’m not a scientist, a veterinarian, or someone who retained much from high school biology, so honestly, I’m not exactly sure what makes a dog a dog.  Sure, I could do some research, but it doesn’t take research to know at least one quality that makes a dog a dog —- it can have sex with, and make babies with other dogs.

While there are many breeds of (domesticated) cats out there too, cats all pretty much come in the relatively the same sizes and shapes.  In other words, mating between any two cats doesn’t seem like a wild and bizarre event.  Whereas with dogs, they come in all different sizes and shapes, and if you were new to this planet you might not think of a German Shepherd and a Chihuahua as the same thing — a canine.

Although we’ve got a long way to go in this country in terms of overcoming our prejudices, at least interracial, interfaith, and inter-anything relationships are slowly becoming more and more accepted.  A dog probably looks at human interracial dating and thinks,  “Big deal.  You think skin color makes you look so different?  You think because you’re white and she’s black you guys are so different?  I’m a Great Dane and last week I banged a Poodle and a Yorkshire Terrier.”

I really think it depends on a few factors, but for the most part, I don’t think it’s a big deal to pet someone dog without permission.  I mean, if you’re in a public place, and you see what is clearly a harmless dog being pet by many other people, then it shouldn’t be a big deal to presume it’s okay for you to pet the dog as well.  Of course, it’s always a good idea to ask the owner first for permission, but when you bring your pet into a public place, particularly a crowded one, don’t act surprised by the behavior of others.

Let me give you an example of what I’m referring to.  Recently, I was out to lunch at “The Grove,” the well-known mall here in Los Angeles, which has an outdoor concourse/walking area.  Many of the restaurants have outdoor seating.  These people I was eating with had two dogs with them, and since the dogs weren’t allowed in seating areas, they had to be tied by the leashes on the other side of the metal barricade.  I forget what kinda dogs they were, but they were medium-sized, and both very cute.

Many people passing by interrupted our meal to pet the dogs, or just to comment on them.  Let me remind you that this was Sunday afternoon, and The Grove was packed, with foot traffic everywhere –  foot traffic including children.  Now, one of the dogs doesn’t really like being touched by strangers, so the owner had to constantly yell out to people not to touch her dog if they came remotely close to it.  Hmmmm, why bring the dog to The Grove in the first place then?  I don’t know.

Then she attempted to make a terrible argument that “you wouldn’t touch someone else’s baby without permission.”  A HUMAN BABY IS NOT THE SAME THING AS A DOG.  You don’t go around petting strangers’ babies.

Anyway, throughout the course of our lunch, I bet over 600 people passed by our table —- maybe five of them tried to pet the dog without asking for permission.  That doesn’t sound so bad to me.

To sum this up, in an ideal world in which we’re all courteous, one should ask permission before petting someone else’s dog — but if you don’t do so, that doesn’t make you a complete fool.

However, what might make you a fool is bringing a dog that hates strangers into a crowded public area with lots and lots of children around.

Apparently some people believe that it’s good luck when a bird poops on you.  I can’t imagine that this is something all that many people really believe — but in addition to blurbs about this on the Internetweb, some people in my real life as well have heard of this superstition.

Ok fine, if a bird poops on you one time, then you win the lottery the next day, even I would have trouble arguing against “the pooping” being good luck.   However, this scenario is quite unlikely.  What’s more likely is a bird pooping on you every day, for the rest of your life.  And to me (I don’t know about you), if I got pooped on every day,  I’d kinda feel like I have bad luck.

During my work lunch break, I went for my usual walk around the beautiful neighborhood in Van Nuys, California.  Well, maybe not beautiful — but it’s ok.

Anyway, I noticed a sign reading  “Pets must be on a leash” Another sign said “Clean up after pets.”  Both signs had drawings of dogs on them.

“Pets?”  Why not just say dogs?  Pets!?  What other pets are pooping and being walked along Saticoy St?  People walking their pigs?  People walking turtles on a leash?  Dolphins?

Nobody should ever walk a cat, either.

We’ve all heard the term “coming of age”.  It’s most commonly used when people are referring to coming of age movies.  This got me thinking.  What’s the oldest possible coming of age, age in real life?

You know this phrase –  “I’ve got a monkey on my back”.  Well ya know what, nobody wants that burden.  I say the monkeys on our backs should be used for research by scientists.

It’s actually impossible for anybody to ever claim to be the most modest.

The other night for one reason or another, I found myself watching videos of cats and babies on YouTube.  Not separately of course, these were videos of cats and babies, together.  These two things combined form a deadly combination of cuteness!

Despite many of the horrible acts our species has committed, and will continue to commit on this planet, we’re still pretty evolved creatures, and possess very complex brains.   As far as I know, our brains are just more developed than pretty much every other species of animal on this planet…right?

But what about baby people?  I would for sure say that an 8 year old cat is way smarter than a 2 month old human baby.  The cat has a way better understanding of the surrounding world, is waaaaaaay more equipped for survival.  A baby can’t do shit for itself.   The only shit a baby does on it’s own is poop!

This all got me thinking…..At what age would you say a human person becomes “smarter” than the average cat?  3 years old?  4?   5?  Older?

Do we ever reach an age when we become smarter than cats?

I consider myself basically a decent person, but I’ll often think about doing (and saying) horrible things, with almost never following through on them.  To be honest, and especially under the influence of alcohol, I’m still much more likely to say something dumb than to do something dumb…..that’s just how I roll.

Anyway, last night I was at a house party, and while sitting on a couch, I noticed the coffee table in front of me was covered with Polaroids of the party’s attendees.  The photos had names on them, written with a black Sharpie.

Not too far from me was a dog —– an off-white-ish dog.   I soon grabbed the Sharpie and yelled out, “Who wants to play tic-tac-toe on this dog?”

Sure we’ve all seen and/or heard stories about writing on the faces of passed out drunk people, but this would be taking it to a whole new level.   Imagine waking up and realizing that nobody has written on you, but on your dog?

Of course I didn’t end up playing tic-tac-toe on the dog, but I didn’t hold back because of scruples, but more so because the dog was too cute to tamper with.    If it had been an uglier dog or one of those purse dogs, well……

Yesterday during lunch I turn to a coworker who was eating chicken, and rambled, “I don’t understand.  Chickens have breasts?  I thought they’re birds, not mammals.”

Apparently I learned nothing in grade school.  I was told technically a breast is the muscle, and a breast is not defined by having a nipple, or by the ability to lactate.

Ya learn somethin’ every day.

Lol, wtf are these people all about?  Oh, they exist.

It’s definitely possible to be a fat vegetarian.   I believe Prince Fielder, the first baseman of the Milwaukee Brewers qualifies as one.

Although motivations for becoming a vegetarian can vary, many people choose such a lifestyle for health reasons.

I’m always intrigued and amused by the contradictions and hypocrisies of humans, and a fat vegetarian surely fits that bill.

Maybe this is more of an L.A. thing, but then again, maybe not.  Quite often I’ll be sitting in my car in a long line of cars in traffic.

Perhaps there are two lanes heading in each directions.  In between lanes, homeless people will often walk in between the cars seeking out donations.

This is when I roll up my window, because I’m a complete asshole.   Well, it’s not that I’m a complete asshole, it’s that I have the right to pick and choose when I want to help out humanity.

Anyway, it’s highly dangerous to walk in between cars in the midst of traffic.  What’s more dangerous you ask?  Walking in between cars in traffic, WHILE CARRYING A CAT.

Must this woman have also put an animal’s life at risk?   Jeez.

Can’t these people just beg for money at the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica or at Hollywood/Highland like normal vagabonds?

STAY OUT OF TRAFFIC.