Adam J. Choit

Okay, here’s my latest idea for a movie — it’s a parody/satire/mockumentary/spoof kinda thing.

It’s like “The Wrestler,” but instead of following the hardships of an over-the-hill wrestler, it follows the life of a sports mascot —- one waste past his prime would be ideal.

The trials and tribulations would all be there — the bouts with drugs and alcoholism, bitter conflicts with the ex-wife, and life in general for a mascot trying to get by on a pretty terrible income.

Last night during the Mets/Phillies game, the TV camera showed the Philly Phanatic playfully smacking around a Mets fan in the stands.  I was yelling at the TV, suggesting this Mets fan oughta sue the Philly Phanatic for assault.

I suppose that’d be the low point towards the end of the second act of my film, — a mascot getting convicted of assaulting a fan, losing everything, with little chance of ever being hired by any team again.

..how should this story end?

I was out of work all of last week, and last Monday the whole office participated in a fun Thanksgiving activity.  Every person here wrote down next to every other co-worker’s name a “nice” thing to say about them.  The organizer then compiled a separate sheet for each of the participants, that listed all the positive qualities below their name.

I returned to the office this week, and found a paper on my desk saying the following: (explanations/my response in parenthesis)

Adam:

We are GRATEFUL for you because….

-You are so diligent about doing your work (usually I guess)
-You are chill (for the most part)
-You help us out when we need computer aid (only when it involves searching for porn/baseball stats)
-You are patient and fun (agreed)
-You have a positive attitude (I think so)
-You provide the AcipHex (inside-ish joke about how the medication sounds like “ass effects”)
-You always have great one liners (eh, I’m hit and miss)
-You are a good writer and have a funny personality (I’d like to think so)
-You are the glue that holds us together (people have told me this before, but didn’t know it was also the case at work)
-You are a great person to joke around with (clearly, because I never take anything seriously, ever)
-You don’t give Robert crap when the Mets beat the Phillies (true, but the Mets don’t often beat anyone these days)
-You slap Lisa’s table every time you walk by her desk (It makes a fun sound, yes)
-I not only find you tolerable for 3-4 days a week, but you’re a great friend to have inside and outside of work, too. (I’m a great friend no matter where I am!)
-You are a quiet, amiable, sweet person who always puts in 110% (I assume this was written by someone who doesn’t know me well)
-You have a consistent temperament (It’s from all the drugs)

There’s no shortage of things that piss me off, and seeing commercials for prescription medication is something that definitely is somewhere near the top of that list.  Perhaps this is primitive thinking, but if I am sick or have some kind of medical problem, I should see a doctor.

The doctor diagnoses, then prescribes.  Admittedly, I’m not so worldly, but I bet that the United States has by far the most money thrown into the marketing and advertising of prescription medication.

Especially in terms of the elderly, you’ll often see that their medicine cabinets resemble that of a pharmacy.  So many of these people take meds for everything.

With so many old people combo-izing, why not approach advertising in the same matter…

For example, combine Advair, a drug that helps with breathing, with Viagra, the impotency drug.

Combining these drugs in commercials is not only more cost effective in terms of buying ad space, but it’s logical too.  What old man wouldn’t want to breathe more freely and have nice erections?

Obviously, if combining two drugs produces a side-effect that is fatal, I probably would have some moral issues with advertising those together, but other than that…..

I won’t name names, but I know of a guy who told me he “roofied” himself back in college.  I love it.

And don’t gimme that, “Oh, I was just experimenting with drugs” crap.  WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU.  If that were the case, why not just take acid or ecstacy, or use coke like a normal person?

No.  You had to be sleazy and unethical, and take advantage of yourself.  Shameful!

Today, while browsing the news on the Internet, I found out that “..Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments.”  According to an Israeli researcher, the psychedelic effects of the plant ayahuasca were comparable to those produced by concoctions based on bark of the acacia tree, which are frequently mentioned in the Bible.

No wonder Moses thought God was talking to him.  That dude was trippin.’  Anyway, it most likely wasn’t just Moses and his followers that were on drugs.  It probably was all them religious guys and their followers.

For the most part, all that supernatural mumbo-jumbo I always kind of assumed were just stories distorted and exaggerated over time.  This drug thing makes way more sense though.

Hey, if I was fucked up enough, I might see a man walk on water too.